Clueless

I don't know what i'm doing.. I can't ignore myself.. what i really want.. it really hurts to be treated this way.. despite all the good i've done my whole life.. i am always taken for granted..

Why do i look the way i look.. why do the women who i don't like find me to be attractive.. and the ones i do just don't even understand how strong my feelings are..

For the 1st time ever since i started this blog.. i'm clueless and lost for words.. i really don't know what to say or what to do.. i'm so troubled and hurt.. i don't wan't to cry.. but i need to.. but i can't...

The funny part is that i'm not angry.. but there is this rage inside me which is mad enough to slaughter at sight.. I hope i never ever meet the villain of the story in this life.. If i do.. i will just kill without conscience.. it would become a blood bath of an evil soul..

But i'm breaking down into pieces.. why can't you see this.. do i deserve this? why did you do this to me? what did i ever do wrong.. well if its not me and its you.... you know how willing i am to give and sacrifice..

Oh yes i literally drowned myself in pain when you said that it freaks you out that i would always make this happen.. it means much..

So i'm still contemplating on finally pulling my plug out.. but the world will lose.. lose what? i fear to be this way.. pretending to be happy.. when i'm fucking crying and bleeding in sorrow inside me..

I don't think i've got much time left.. the turn of events have reduced it at large.. i really don't want to continue in this shit hole anymore... i think i'm deciding.. i had a five year plan.. but looks like i really don't have the patience to suffer for such a long time..

My last wish... i await one phone call.. this could make me the happiest man on earth.. So all i want for Christmas is you..

Dear lord.. if there is a lord god the almighty maker of heaven and earth.. Why have you forsaken me.. trust in my.. self righteous suicide.. i cry... do angels deserve to die?