Life's pause

So my life has come to a stand still. Work is taking too much out of me. My family is getting pushed back coz of work. I feel like a loser ryt now. I don't know what more I can do. 

I just wanna kill my self. Life as I know it has ended. 

Feeling suicidal is just something that keeps popping up to me. 

Career aspiration!

Once upon a time I graduated and was depressed that I didn't have a job. 

Months passed, I was trying to apply where ever and whenever possible. I was after people to influence through a job in their company for me. Finally I got it. My break through job. It was awesome. I was doing great. I was clearly one of the best in the lot. 

Then came another job, a dream job in my dream company. It was out of this world. I felt like star. I was on a roll for a couple of years. Then shit happened. My boss fucked me up. I was screwed. My career was at a stand still. Then I fought, fought real hard. Worked my ass out for 2 years. My career progression had slowed down. Life as I knew it was over. People who were performing below me were passing me. But I waited patiently for my break. There it was, I got it, new role in the same company with a promotion. A nice year went by. Thinks were looking great. Then came another promotion, a pleasant surprise actually. Was quite taken up by it. 

But, lo behold that promotion came with a price. I had to move to a new division in the company as I was blocking another persons promotion. Wtf??? I was getting screwed. Without knowing I was getting screwed. 

I always wanted to go out of the country and work in another level of my dream job. This new move was going to be compensating that. I wasn't very happy. I was actually really frustrated. But I just jumped with a leap of faith and took it. It was a pleasant surprise. The job had some overseas travel involved. I was lucky I thought. But then, shit happened. I was not very happy with my job. It wasn't what I really liked to do. 

Now I feel as if I'm stuck in this place, constantly trying to find an overseas dream job. I feel like my interllectual capacity has reduced. My job doesn't really take much out of me. 

Now, I'm deprived of all the cool things I used to do. I was really frustrated. I just couldn't get around to wake up and go to work everyday, coz it was not exciting. I'm still on the hunt for another opportunity to nail that dream job. So I'm just trying to keep it going and I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not gonna give up. My time will come. I will get ahead of the job. 

Cons of wedded life!

Ahh so it has happened.. The mandatory mistake every man has to make to prove himself worthy of society and be part of it by finding someone to love and then to get married to.. 

Well what can i say it has it's bloody cons alright..  Life as you knew it has ended.. To me it is a very tough task altogether.. Actually I never really saw myself being married in the first place.. But here I am 1 month down after marriage and sleepless in bed. Unable to really entertain myself coz the rest of the house including the wife is asleep. 

This is all to much to apprehend as I always had a perfect set up to fall asleep. Watch tv series online, play a game or even have a smoke and then just doze away.. But none of it is absolutely possible: 

Life sucks and shit just keeps getting worse all the time.. 

Ahhh another fight

Life is really tough sometimes. You feel like you are going somewhere but somehow it doesn't seem like it. You want to be happy and you try different things that will actually make you happy. But then those things start becoming a problem and your happiness is taken away. Life really sucks sometimes. What ever you do, just doesn't seem to go right. When work is really crazy and you don't have a way of relaxing you turn to someone dear to you and then they want you to be there for you and they want you to actually forget who you are and expect you to be there for them. How fucked up can this be. Screwed up pile of shit this life is. I just want out sometimes.

I write again

So here I am once again... Torn into pieces.. Thought I had found that someone.. I was happy that everything was working out quite well and according to plan.. I was willing to change and make a difference in the way I look at things.. For you.. Just for you.. But you let me down again and make me feel like a bitch.. A fucking bitch.. A loser.. In front of everyone.. Like there was no respect for me at all.. What the fuck is that supposed to be.. I thought you were everything for me.. But what the fuck??? I just don't get it.. I just fucking don't get it..

Hello Dream

Its been awhile since i"ve written something...

I've been preoccupied so to speak.. But as of late i've been having a bad dream the last couple of days.. it was the same thing..

The thing is that everytime i have this kind of dream it becomes true which is a scary...

Colourblind - Overtune

And it's not just a game

You can't throw me away

I put all I had on the line

And I give and you take

And I played the high stakes

I've won and I've lost

But, I'm fine

Hear me say

I'll rise up 'til the end

Hear me say

I'll stand up for my friends

And I crash to the ground

And it's just my own sound

I drop in the blink of an eye

I'm colorblind

And your milky way fight

Won't stop my delight

You keep me and lock me away

And it's dark and it's bright

It's your colorful pride that kept me here 9000 days

Hear me say I'll see the sky again

Hear me say

I'll drive for you my friend

There's a noise in the crowd

But it's just my own shout

A stumble I fall and I pray

Hear you say your eyes see green again

In the end we'll lived up holding hands

Yes, we'll spark in the night

We'll be colorblind

And these are the lives we gave

Hear me say

I'll rise up 'til the end

Hear me say that

I'll stand beside my friends

I won't stay on the floor

I will settle the score

A stumble I fall and I pray

Hear me say it's time we stop talking

Eye to eye we see a different face

Yes we we've conquered the war

With love at the core

A stumble I fall, but I'll stay

Colorblind.